Yesterday a friend of mine said nothing is official until it is "Facebook Official". Well today I officially changed my status to "single".
It's happened again. My heart is broken. Again. My future is shattered. Again. But this time it doesn't hurt as bad. I think it's because this time I know it's really over. There is nothing I can say to make him change his mind. I love him. He loves me. I just love him more. It's the whole, "you did nothing wrong, " "I still love you," "you are good enough" but "I don't see a future with you" thing.
I'm heart broken. Everything reminds me of him. Heck, even my phone reminds me of him. I can't go and throw out everything that reminds me of him because I can't throw out my phone. I can't throw out my camera. I can't throw out my laptop. I can't throw out my jacket. Wow. I just realized I'm wearing his shirt right now as a pajama top. And the weird part is that I have no desire to take it off. I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I want to hate him... I think part of me actually does this time. I want to go to his house and watch Archer together. I want to hold him in my arms. I want to throw things at him.
I want to cry in front of him.
I want him to feel as bad as I do.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I got to his house after work. I could just sense it. Then came the talk. I tried so hard to be strong and not to cry. Part of me just wanted to gather my things up and then go downstairs and watch tv together like I had planned earlier. He was my best friend.
I guess my future is a blank slate once more. I can cross off marrying Chris. I can cross off having Chris' children. I can cross off proving to Chris that marriages can actually last.
One part of me feels free... another part of me feels lost.... the lost part seems to be winning right now. I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I never saw this coming. I never got a chance to fight. The only thing I could do was accept it. Hug him one last time and cry myself home in my car.
I guess the best thing for me to do now is focus on finding out who I really am. Then finding someone who can really love me... or just go out and party it up and enjoy being single again... Can I do that? I've never wanted anyone but him. Ever. He is all my firsts. And I wanted him to be all my lasts.
"Almost three years." That's what I told my friend at work today when she asked how long my boyfriend and I had been together. "Almost three years".
I can either think of this as an awful start to 2013 or a second chance... Right now I just feel like crap.
A
I am as always your friend. if you need anything just let me know. ive been in something similar and i can tell you that it will make you stronger. it will be painful and it may take a while but no matter what the future holds, there is always a chance for some amazing experience.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your break up.... People are meant to come and go in our lifetime. Sometimes they stay a long time and sometimes not, but no matter how long they stay they will change you. You will learn new things from every single relationship you have whether its from a boyfriend, your mother, or a classmate you barely know. If anything try to look at the situation as an experience rather than a loss <3 time will heal you and you will move forward again
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, I've found that time truly does heal how much these kinds of things hurt - but getting through that time with any amount of patience (or sanity) is the part that sucks. You WILL be ok, it's just gonna take awhile. You're strong, intelligent and beautiful, inside and out. Give yourself time to feel what you need to, then find out what those things are that you like to do as an independent woman. The last thing you need is to be in a relationship with someone who has doubts. Don't look back, keep stepping forward - one second at a time. Eventually you'll put in enough time and distance, then look back and think of this and not feel a tiny thing about it, except that you are better off now than you were then. = ) You have a lot of courage to write about these things, I admire your spirit. Keep your head up, you deserve good things and they will come to you in time.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the support. I know I'll get through this (hopefully with my sanity :P) I just feel so lost right now. Trying to concentrate on school and work so I don't have to concentrate on anything else :/
ReplyDelete