A Turn of Events

Janurary was quite possibly one of the worst months I've ever had.

My heart was broken, my grandpa had a stroke (twice), I killed a dog with my car, and to top it off, I failed a midterm by completely forgetting about it. What a great way to start a new year. A friend on Twitter told me, after one of the many times I tweeted a complaint about 2013, "Don't condemn it just yet. This is just overflow from 2012, the shittiest year ever. Keep your chin up!" I didn't think she could possibly be right, but February has taken an unexpected turn of events.

My heart has been mended. No, I suppose that's not right. It's evolved. I grew up a lot in January (more on that later). I was single for a month, and I enjoyed it, or I at least tried to; there were times when the mask of confidence and happiness would fall off and I would be left crying. Then Chris asked me to forgive him. Yes, we're back together again. Yes, we're moving in together. Attempting for this weekend actually. I know a lot of people have told me taking him back is the wrong thing to do, but how can I not give him another chance? He makes me happy. Period.

My grandpa is doing okay for the time being. He's home, he's walking, and he's smiling. We still have him. I don't know for how long, but he's here. His memory does tend to lapse sometimes and he doesn't remember me or where he's at, but for the most part he's doing pretty good... at the moment.

My car has been taped together (courtesy of my dad and brother) and I never saw the dog again. As for the final, I have yet to talk to my professor about it; I'm not sure if it would do any good. "Excuse me professor, I failed the exam because I forgot about it and didn't study at all, would you mind giving me another go at it?" I don't see that happening, but who knows. Maybe she'll help me out a bit if I tell her about my crummy January.

As for my New Year Resolution, it has also evolved. My goal was to move out in January. As you can probably tell, that hasn't happened yet. With all that's happened though, I'm okay with that. I've also taken up a 2nd job. Two jobs, school, and all the crap that's happened in the last month. I'm okay with the fact that  the big move hasn't happened yet. But as I said earlier. It is going to happen. I'm moving in with Chris (hopefully this weekend if I'm not too busy). February is not that far off from January, and heck, it's a lot farther than 2014 which is the deadline, so I think I've done pretty well so far (:

Here's to hoping that the 2012 runoff is finished and I'll be able to move forward in my life.

A

Dear Chris,

It's all an act.

The Death of a Dog

I killed a dog last night.

I was driving home from school. On east bound 58 going 65 mph. There was no time to stop. No time to swerve or switch lanes. He just walked out right in front of my car. I saw him walk past the car in front of me on the right lane and all too late realized that he wasn't going to walk fast enough to make it past mine. I hit him dead center.

What happened next was complete shock. It all happened in slow motion. I saw the dog walking casually across the freeway. I quickly checked my mirrors to see if I had any chance at all to avoid it. I hit the dog.

It was a big dog. My front bumper was broken. I heard something dragging and for a gruesome second thought it was the dog. I pulled to the side of the road and that's when the "oh my god. oh my god. oh my god"s started happening. Then came the sobs and the thoughts "should I call 911?" Then I thought no, they don't show up for roadkill. I convinced myself to get out of my car and go check the front... just to make sure there wasn't a dog stuck to the front of my car. Nope, bumper just destroyed. Then I dared myself to look behind me.

It was dark; all I could see was the silhouette of the dog whenever a car passed. I called my mom. "Mom, I just hit a dog." Crying the whole time, I told her my bumper was broken. She asked where I was, and I couldn't think straight exactly. I had to walk back to the sign over the freeway. By the dog's body. I walked a little ways and saw the Mt. Vernon sign. I took a look at the dog. When a car passed, I could have swore I saw it breathing...

My mom told me to get back into my car where it was safe (I was on the left side of the freeway on a bridge after-all  and wait until they got there. I cried and cried. What if I just killed someone's baby? What if it is still alive? Laying there in the road suffering.

My parents pulled up and when my dad got to me he hugged me as I bawled into his jacket. I told him it was still alive and he told me it wasn't when they passed it. I came to one of two conclusions- it was actually dead, or my dad was trying to make me feel better.

My mom drove me home, and when I got there I cuddled and petted my dog Champ for a good long while.

And all the hysterical side of me could think "This is all Chris' fault." I got out of class early today; if he hadn't of broken up with me I would be at Prime Cut right now, not driving home.

So far 2013 is one of the worst years of my life.

A

A Little Bit Of Closure

Tomorrow will be one week since Chris broke up with me. And this time I feel safe saying it like that. He broke up with me. The last time this happened a year and a half ago, I half way felt like it was a mutual decision. This is our second break up and I think that's what makes this time so much easier... of course in some ways it makes it harder.

It made it harder in the beginning because last time he took me back. Part of me kept thinking "he'll change his mind! He'll realize again that he does need me." And it made it easier because after we got back together last time I made the mental decision to not get back together with him if he broke my heart again.

The biggest thing that makes this time so much easier is because he finally admitted that I loved him more than he did. I have always felt like that throughout these three years, but I thought it was just my silly subconsciousness trying to make me feel insecure. After I got home that day we had a text message conversation and I finally told him it doesn't make sense. You can't say that you love me and that I am good enough for you and then say you don't see a future with me. That's when he told me that he didn't love me as much as I love him. That's what has helped me move on- what gave me my closure.

The first time he broke up with me I cried for 2 weeks straight. This time I was done crying over him on day 3. He crushed me on Thursday and by Saturday I was out of tears. This doesn't mean I'm fine, it just means that I feel like a black hole. There are no more tears left. Why waste tears on a man who doesn't want me? Who never needed me.

Friday night was probably the best post-break up night ever. I got a hair cut, bought a new dress, shoes, and belt. Then went out dancing at The Padre with two of my good friends, Alyssa and Rachel. We danced the night away until around midnight when the song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on. "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it". And then it hit me like a brick wall. He should have put a ring on it. We went back to Alyssa's house and had a good long cry and when I woke up Saturday morning I was done crying.

I still get moments where I'll see something or remember something that reminds me about plans I had with him, and then remember that I'll never get to do them. It does make me sad, but I know that eventually I'll be better off without him.

And even with all that's been said, it's true, ignorance is bliss, and I still love him, and a part of me wishes I never went to his house that day. That none of this ever happened.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends who've given a kind word or hug to me throughout all of this. The thought did run through my mind to just cut everyone off. All of our friends. I didn't want to see him, so I thought cutting all of you out would be a solution, but I love you guys too and right now I need all the friends I can get.

So thank you, for just being there when he wasn't.

A

Facebook Official

Yesterday a friend of mine said nothing is official until it is "Facebook Official". Well today I officially changed my status to "single".

It's happened again. My heart is broken. Again. My future is shattered. Again. But this time it doesn't hurt as bad. I think it's because this time I know it's really over. There is nothing I can say to make him change his mind. I love him. He loves me. I just love him more. It's the whole, "you did nothing wrong, " "I still love you," "you are good enough" but "I don't see a future with you" thing.

I'm heart broken. Everything reminds me of him. Heck, even my phone reminds me of him. I can't go and throw out everything that reminds me of him because I can't throw out my phone. I can't throw out my camera. I can't throw out my laptop. I can't throw out my jacket. Wow. I just realized I'm wearing his shirt right now as a pajama top. And the weird part is that I have no desire to take it off. I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I want to hate him... I think part of me actually does this time. I want to go to his house and watch Archer together. I want to hold him in my arms. I want to throw things at him. 

I want to cry in front of him.

I want him to feel as bad as I do.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I got to his house after work. I could just sense it. Then came the talk. I tried so hard to be strong and not to cry. Part of me just wanted to gather my things up and then go downstairs and watch tv together like I had planned earlier. He was my best friend.

I guess my future is a blank slate once more. I can cross off marrying Chris. I can cross off having Chris' children. I can cross off proving to Chris that marriages can actually last.

One part of me feels free... another part of me feels lost.... the lost part seems to be winning right now. I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I never saw this coming. I never got a chance to fight. The only thing I could do was accept it. Hug him one last time and cry myself home in my car.

I guess the best thing for me to do now is focus on finding out who I really am. Then finding someone who can really love me... or just go out and party it up and enjoy being single again... Can I do that? I've never wanted anyone but him. Ever. He is all my firsts. And I wanted him to be all my lasts.

"Almost three years." That's what I told my friend at work today when she asked how long my boyfriend and I had been together. "Almost three years".

I can either think of this as an awful start to 2013 or a second chance... Right now I just feel like crap.

A

Go... To.... Sleep!

You know that feeling you get when you're lying in bed and you can't go to sleep? How completely frustrating it is? Sometimes it feels so frustrating that you feel like you want to cry, but you know that won't do any good. Want to amp it up a bit? There is someone lying in bed next to you. Asleep.

I'm experiencing that right now. I'm exhausted, I'm tired; I laid down in bed to sleep, and I laid there listening to Chris snore... for I don't know how long. I finally decided to get up- because really, what is the point in lying in bed awake- and come down stairs to stare at my computer screen for a while. Then I thought, well I haven't written a real blog post in a while, why not rant a bit about how I can't sleep? Sounds good to me!

So here I am. On the verge of crying because I can't sleep, while my boyfriend and his dog are upstairs sound asleep in their beds. Would it be rude of me to wake him up and ask him to stay up with me just because I can't shut my brain off? And it's not that I'm thinking of anything in particular; it's just a whole bunch of jumbled mess. I'm thinking about how the day played out, what I'm going to do tomorrow, how he takes up 90% of the bed...

Bah! This is just random ramblings- what this blog was made for I guess. I really want to go upstairs and wake him up right now... but I don't want to interrupt his sleep- when you can't sleep, you know how precious sleep is.

I need a hug.

A

Coming Home to the Frying Pan

Yes, I'm back in Bakersfield. Yes, I know the plan was to stay in Santa Barbara till the end of August. Yes, I miss being able to go outside without melting...

I have been sooooo spoiled this summer! No heat, the beach, a pool, a jacuzzi... It's been so nice! Then I came back to Bakersfield. The first thing that greeted me was the heat. I miss being able to drive around with my windows down and not be drenched in sweat. On the drive home I resorted to rolling both windows down, opening the vents, tilting the sunroof open and taking my shirt off (sorry guys, I still had my bra on), and I was still hot and sweating. Yuck! I guess I forgot just how hot Bakersfield can be! It's a pain in the butt to drive anywhere here. At least for me it is- the AC in my car doesn't work.

So far it's been okay. I haven't had to be outside for much, but it really sucks! I want to be outside with the animals I missed, but it's too hot to even stand outside in the shade. I really feel bad for them. When I got home Wednesday, Champ didn't even run up to the gate. He waited for me to park the car by the house before coming over to say hi real quickly then run back to his shady spot.

Last night there was a concert of sorts at The Market Place. My parents were there with some friends and they invited me over. I was at Chris' cool house so it only took me 10 minutes to get there, but it's like my car radiates heat or something, lol. It's actually hotter in my car than it is outside. It was uncomfortably warm when I got there, so I got some ice cream from Baskin Robins. That was the only way it was tolerable. Once the ice cream was gone, so was I! Just a short 25 minute drive in the oven and I was back home in my air conditioned house.

In my last post I believe I wrote something about missing the hot summer... I lied! I've only been back a few days and I want to go back to Santa Barbara already! Haha, this is worse than I remember. I miss be spoiled...

A

Blisters

Thinking about him is like having a five day old blister on the inside of your thumb. You no longer suffer the pain from the initial popping and tearing of the skin, but every once in a while you'll stretch your hand too far open and a tiny fissure will rip open, leaving you bleeding once again. And to make matters worse, that little blister on your thumb comes from a happier time. A time when thinking about him only brought smiles. A time when you were using a staple gun to fix the backyard fence to keep the neighbor's dog in the neighbor's yard.

I woke up thinking about him, like I have every morning since we started going out. And for the first time in four days I was able to do so without any tears forming in my eyes. The blister is healing. I know it's there, but it doesn't hurt to touch it anymore. I've been waiting for the day when I can make it a whole 24 hrs without crying. I almost did it yesterday, but when I got home from the movie theater with my friend Kris (he hadn't seen Harry Potter yet and needed someone to go with), I decided to test how much my blister had healed, and I stretched my thumb a little farther than I should have by texting Chris. I knew it would hurt, but it hurt more than I thought it would. The tears came yet again.

But today is the day. I will not cry today. I am going to force my blistered, broken heart to heal once and for all. I love this man, but I'm done crying over him.

I think it's time to return his things.

*Edit 6:44PM:  Mission failed. I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

A Future Forgotten

Dear Chris,

I'm sorry I couldn't be the woman you wanted.

Sincerely,
Your Recently Ex-Girlfriend

We were perfectly un-perfect for each other, and I knew it from the beginning. The way he described his perfect woman was nothing like the way you would describe me, but I held on, thinking things would work out. Almost a year and a half passed before we finally came to this realization together. We sat down on his bed- our bed- and we talked about the things that worked and didn't work about "us"... mostly the things that didn't. I wouldn't say he broke up with me, or that I broke up with him, only that "we broke up". I cried and cried last night. Yes, this only happened yesterday, but I woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Whereas I finally got my mind to stop thinking about him long enough last night for my swollen eyes to let me drift asleep, it seemed impossible this morning.

By the time my best friend drove me home, my whole family already knew. And I already knew that the whole future I had planned out for myself was over. I could already see myself married to him. Having his children. Living in Santa Barbara... Chris, on the other hand did not. At least not with me. What am I going to do now? So much of what I have done in my life thus far has been for him. So I could prove myself to him... and to myself as well. I don't feel completely without purpose though. Because of him I finally feel like I have a direction in life.

I know this break-up was probably for the better for both of us, but I don't want it to be. I love him. I don't want to let him go. He says this isn't the end of us, just the end of our romantic relationship... but I don't know if I can. I gave him back his house key. That was one of the hardest things I had to do. I don't know if I can go back to his house again. There are too many memories there. How am I not supposed to look up the stairs to our bedroom and not imagine him with someone else up there...?

I'm shattered and broken and feeling so lost without him, but I refuse to break down again. I had to de-Chris my bedroom last night before I could sleep. Shove all his things into a trashbag to be returned... though I don't know when I'll be able to do that. Even when I thought I got all of it, right before I laid down I saw a picture on the wall from Disneyland- my birthday, our third month anniversary.

I really don't know where to end this post. I guess here is as good a place as any...