Yesterday a friend of mine said nothing is official until it is "Facebook Official". Well today I officially changed my status to "single".
It's happened again. My heart is broken. Again. My future is shattered. Again. But this time it doesn't hurt as bad. I think it's because this time I know it's really over. There is nothing I can say to make him change his mind. I love him. He loves me. I just love him more. It's the whole, "you did nothing wrong, " "I still love you," "you are good enough" but "I don't see a future with you" thing.
I'm heart broken. Everything reminds me of him. Heck, even my phone reminds me of him. I can't go and throw out everything that reminds me of him because I can't throw out my phone. I can't throw out my camera. I can't throw out my laptop. I can't throw out my jacket. Wow. I just realized I'm wearing his shirt right now as a pajama top. And the weird part is that I have no desire to take it off. I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I want to hate him... I think part of me actually does this time. I want to go to his house and watch Archer together. I want to hold him in my arms. I want to throw things at him.
I want to cry in front of him.
I want him to feel as bad as I do.
I knew something was wrong as soon as I got to his house after work. I could just sense it. Then came the talk. I tried so hard to be strong and not to cry. Part of me just wanted to gather my things up and then go downstairs and watch tv together like I had planned earlier. He was my best friend.
I guess my future is a blank slate once more. I can cross off
marrying Chris. I can cross off having Chris' children. I can cross off proving to Chris that marriages can actually last.
One part of me feels free... another part of me feels lost.... the lost part seems to be winning right now. I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but I never saw this coming. I never got a chance to fight. The only thing I could do was accept it. Hug him one last time and cry myself home in my car.
I guess the best thing for me to do now is focus on finding out who I really am. Then finding someone who can really love me... or just go out and party it up and enjoy being single again... Can I do that? I've never wanted anyone but him. Ever. He is all my firsts. And I wanted him to be all my lasts.
"Almost three years." That's what I told my friend at work today when she asked how long my boyfriend and I had been together. "Almost three years".
I can either think of this as an awful start to 2013 or a second chance... Right now I just feel like crap.